Who is Johnny Badass
Johnny Badass, today’s only true B (minus) Action Movie Star, first got his start as a child star in the late 80′s local cable access show Johnny will do it! which became wildly popular several years ago when it suddenly surfaced on the internet and immediately went viral. Originally created by some incredibly irresponsible employees at the L.A. group home for boys where Johnny was raised… the low budget ‘variety show’ featured a seemingly fearless 9-yr-old daredevil child known as Johnny Bidet, re-enacting dangerous stunts from popular action films of his day. No matter what went right or wrong, each episode ended with Johnny flashing his ‘winning’ smile and saying his favorite one-liner: I will beat you to death! However, local authorities shut the show down after parents began complaining about their children getting hurt at home trying to copy Johnny’s antics from the show. The story was quickly hushed and soon forgotten… shattering the dreams of young Johnny Bidet, leading him to fall into a great depression.
Found as a baby abandoned next to a urinal at a bus station in the slums of Burbank, authorities named him Johnny Bidet. Once the irresponsible employees were fired from the group home, johnny found himself with no one to look up to and turned to the movies themselves to find his role models. The only time Johnny was happy, was when he was watching one of his favorite stars in action, like Arnold, Jean Claude, Sly, or Michael Dudikoff (yes, even the ‘American Ninja’ guy)… Johnny became so addicted to these films that he began to have trouble distinguishing them from reality (as evidenced in many of his current interactions with the press and the public in general). In fact, he started to believe that Arnold was actually his biological father, and that Jean Claude Van Damme was his mother. Johnny hit rock bottom and fell into an even deeper depression while watching ‘Rocky 4′, when Dolph Lundgren killed Apollo Creed. He left his group home to wander aimlessly around the world as a homeless gym rat, trading janitorial services for fighting lessons.
…Until 15 or so years later, when one of the former boys at the orphanage (Bastian Winters) got his hands on the footage and started releasing the old clips online. The story goes that Bastian, a shy and effeminate boy seen sometimes in the background of the videos, who obviously idolized Johnny, started posting clips from Johnny will do it! hoping that Johnny would somehow see them and get back in touch. Unintentionally, the videos went viral and Johnny became an Internet sensation. A down on his luck Johnny Bidet had become an overnight celebrity reality star.
Hollywood producers used their stealth and wealth to seek Johnny out, and try to capitalize on his celebrity status. A studio executive from the company who produced the TV show ‘Cavemen’ based on the Geico commercials (among other shows based on random things like Twitter accounts) eventually tracked Johnny down. He convinced Johnny to change his name to Johnny ‘Badass’ (reasoning that Bidet is a toilet where water cleans your ass so of course it makes perfect sense… Johnny agreed wholeheartedly), and they would start producing action movies with him as the star.
Over 100 straight to video movies later… Johnny Badass has become the only thing he was ever meant to be… A ‘B-minus’ list celebrity who has trouble distinguishing his films from reality. Or maybe it’s his reality from his films.
But either way you look at it… Johnny Badass ‘will beat you to death’, especially if you are a Space Alien… from Space.